Need a Crutch?

Walking With the Bakers


Now I get It...

Written by Roger Baker.

Okay, now I get why chemo plus radiation together is a dramatic turn in movies amd dramas. It's fairly dramatic in real life, too.

To put it gently, while I am on the last long week of chemo plus radiology, this hasn't been  fun. Tolerable, sure. But like all long-term treatments, this gets old. Okay, I am complaining, I know, but this is the onnly place other than in front of Sue that I can do this, and she doesn't deserve the full load, does she? She is keeping me fed, tolerates me, and is taking care of everything, Who can I complain to?

Fatigue is amazing. Sue tells me this is cumulative. Last time I felt this way was in the middle of Desert Storm - I was in San Antonio at Lackland Air Force Base trying to process old troops returning to active duty to fill spots vacated by troops headed into the comnat zone. I worked days at a time - litterally - and took naps when an hour or two permited. Same fatigue but sleeping long periods, and the sleep does little to help.Focus - a little now and then, like when I first wake-up, than for about an hour, I feel as if I have the flu, nothing more. Then I get tired, lay down, and wake-up 4 hours later. Sigh. I am no help to Sue, just an extra burden. I signed-up to be a husband. I am ashamed.

Sue is such a wonderful mother and wife. I wish I knew why we are travelling this road. Sue deserves much more than this, More than me. Dear God, can you not help me? Both my children will become widow's sons (if you don't recognize the reference, just ignore it.)




No Pain, But a Drained Brain

Written by Roger Baker.

A few more answers to questions (feel free to email me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. ).

Question: Feeling any pain?

Answer: Physical pain? Very, very little. I feel better physically than I have in years, though the chemotherapy leaves me very fatigued. My pain medications came down 25% from what they were last fall. That's the good part. Emotional pain is different, and I am struggling. The case is this: I know what I am taking my family and church through is difficult and painful for them. I wish I had a way to keep them away from emotional suffering that occurs when someone you love is dieing. Sue & Michael know the full story, and they are functioning well. They will mourn, but also recover with time, I feel certain. My younger son Matthew doesn't know about the proximity of death for his father. Right now, there is no immediate need to inform him. With Michael, he asked some questions and required some honest answers. Thank God this happened when he & I were at home together alone for several hours. We had a good cry, I shared a lot of the humor, and I can see him take on more responsibility and treat me a touch differently. I am praying that when the similar questions spring from Matthew that I will be able to tell him. This one I am trusting God with. The church adults know the issue and they are mostly handling things well, and for a few it has been a growing experience.

Question: Taking any drugs?

Answer: A lot less than you might expect. The one covering MS symptoms is a single capsule three times daily. There's also an anti-flu medication used for some people with MS and I take that twice daily as well. For the cancer I take a standard anti-nausea capsule every twelve hours and the oral chemotherapy drugs. Daily vitamins pretty much round it out. Nothing illegal, nothing experimental (yet.)


Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow (Groan)

Written by Roger Baker.


Losing hair, day 14 of radiology.Losing hair, day 14 of radiology.What can you say about radiation-related hair loss? I have no idea, and I thought about it a little. I wore a baseball cap yesterday,, but literally the fall-out was sudden. I wash my hair daily with my wife's help. This time, as I rinsed out my hair and looked up, my wife Sue got a big grin and started to chuckle. My new "look" generated some giggles and she shared them with me.